If Only
by PurpleYin
Summary: Spoilers for end of season 1. SheppardTeyla with Weir angst. Warning for slash.


Spoilers: end of season 1

Warnings: Slash within

A/N: Rather experimental story, hope it's okay - if not then feel free to tell me so.

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**If Only...**

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It was small. An odd shape but most definitely there.  
"Is that a... a hickey, Major?" she asked, letting her curiosity get the better of her.  
His head shot up, face looking sheepish at the prospect she'd found it out.  
"What!" he nearly squeaked, caught by surprise, hands dropping the papers as he did so. Then choking out, "Where?"  
She smiled, vaguely amused by his response, and rolled her eyes.  
"On your... neck." she replied, exaggerating the pause between the last two words to tease slightly.  
Honestly where else did he expect it to be... that she could see at least. 

She watched him formulate an answer - or rather an excuse - licking his lips and avoiding her eyes, his own flitting about as he took a moment to think about it."No, it's... um..."  
For once he couldn't find anything to explain, but then it was pretty obvious - there couldn't be many believable alternate explanations for the love bite.  
"I need to go somewhere." he said quickly, blurting it out and collecting the reports they'd been going over together.  
She raised an eyebrow at that, knowing full well he had nothing urgent to do.  
"Really?"  
He looked up at her, an overly casual smile on his face.  
"Yes, important... stuff. Rodney needed me, for...uh.. testing. Yeah, testing doodads; can't wait"  
And it seemed it couldn't, as he rushed off promptly leaving her standing there.

For a few moments she stayed there pondering what had gone on before she walked into her office, her smile fading, feeling tight and fake - out of place with how she felt inside. There wasn't any reason she should care. None at all. There were even several reasons she shouldn't, Simon for one.

But that didn't stop the sickening sensation she got when she thought of what she'd just found out. It meant nothing - such an insignificant detail but...

She turned to close her door and lock herself of from the world before she began examining her thoughts. Sitting down she leant her elbows on the table as if bracing herself against the truth.

She cared. She didn't want to. She wished she could just be pleased for John that he'd found someone, but she choked on that. His happiness made her bitter and for that she felt guilty. She wasn't meant to care at all.

Perhaps it would be easier if they weren't friends. Then maybe she could let herself feel envy at the idea that they were together.

Not to mention out of all the possible competition she hadn't expected it. However, now she looked back it seemed like she had missed the few signs there were. They'd been through thick and thin with each other, battled side by side and now...

But she still couldn't quite believe it had actually happened - John and Teyla. Only they'd obviously gotten on fine last night on their 'date'.

Ever since he had risked his life for them all to defeat the wraith, she had watched them grow closer until Teyla approached her with questions about the relationship customs of Earth. She was obviously taking great care to get it right for John. So she'd told her everything and anything that could help of course, not able to be spiteful about it, and acted like it was the same as any other thing she'd had to explain to the Athosian.

Try as she might it was still there - that she felt more than she should. Flaring up at times, usually unexpectedly. The cool and calm Elizabeth Weir ravaged by this one passion, her mask shattered and her heart torn at what was going on. It was her weakness - one she hadn't seen coming, hadn't even imagined until coming here.

Her thoughts were filled with that beautiful face, the glorious smile lighting up for her as she'd seen before on occasion. Stress often stopped such from occurring in every day dealings and seeing the team go off on missions and knowing something was bound to happen to cause harm tore at her as well. Knowing the nature of this galaxy would likely wipe away any chance of that rare sight, yet it still did from time to time between and despite their troubles. But through it all, it was never for her, apart from in her dreams, and now it would be for someone else. For a friend no less.

There would come a day, maybe not so far away, when she would see them together - eyes dancing with joy. He might grin for once and Teyla Emmagan would smile back honestly at John Sheppard. That precious carefree smile wasted, or so it would feel to her, because it wasn't simply that she wanted what they had.

If only it was that simple to want the comfort they'd found in each other from their burdens, but then life here had created so many if onlys to dream of. This was just another one - a single one that would be trivial compared to all the rest yet was the most important to her. A hope she held onto, wishing for it fervently and yet despising the loss should it ever become true - hiding it all as far within as was possible.

If only she didn't love Teyla. Holding back the tears suddenly seemed too much despite the fact someone would likely see but she held them back a minute longer, rushing from her office to her balcony overlooking the calm seas surrounding Atlantis. There she sought refuge away from the world, a place where no one could see her there as she was; simply Elizabeth, a girl with a broken heart crying to herself as quietly as she could manage.

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A/N: Feedback appreciatedas long as it's not just flames on the choice of pairings. :) 


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